Friday, June 12, 2015

My son named me Momzilla.  He said it is because of the way I take life, head on, don't back down.  Younger me yes, now I am slower, take things easier and try not to stress.  Stressing is not healthy. Putting aside stress is hard for me, I tend to over think, and worry about everything, then I tell myself, " If I don't worry, who will?" It is the whole control my life, control my environment issues.  I feel that nothing is worse than losing control.


Having an illness that is progressing along with no positive endings makes you lose control.  I can not control a lot that goes on in my body or with my body.  I am starting to have a difficult time  staying on top of my thoughts, I call them the crazies.  The more toxic I become from my liver not processing the wastes from my body, the more I enter into the "fog zone".  Seeing things that are not real, hearing things that aren't there have become common for me.  My doctor says it is a good thing that I KNOW that what happens in the fog zone is not reality and that I can make a joke out of what is happening.  Most of the time, yes, I can stay on top of it, but once in awhile, depression flows in, bringing the colorless world, the hopelessness with it.


Some days I am ready to go, tired of the pain, the mental confusion, the swelling, the whole program, it is hard to stay positive.  Then, my cat does an adorable stretch, play with me routine and I say that dying can stand in line, at the back of the bus.  I do not want to miss watching tomorrow's sunrise, which fills the sky with shades of pink, the birds calling out to each other, waking up and hungry, the newness of another day.  I do not want to die in the spring time, it being my favorite season.  All the cold, dead of winter melts into a memory and is replaced by the freshness of new growth, a new beginning for life.  No, death can not have me in the Spring.My son named me Momzilla.  He said it is because of the way I take life, head on, don't back down.  Younger me yes, now I am slower, take things easier and try not to stress.  Stressing is not healthy. Putting aside stress is hard for me, I tend to over think, and worry about everything, then I tell myself, " If I don't worry, who will?" It is the whole control my life, control my environment issues.  I feel that nothing is worse than losing control.


Having an illness that is progressing along with no positive endings makes you lose control.  I can not control a lot that goes on in my body or with my body.  I am starting to have a difficult time  staying on top of my thoughts, I call them the crazies.  The more toxic I become from my liver not processing the wastes from my body, the more I enter into the "fog zone".  Seeing things that are not real, hearing things that aren't there have become common for me.  My doctor says it is a good thing that I KNOW that what happens in the fog zone is not reality and that I can make a joke out of what is happening.  Most of the time, yes, I can stay on top of it, but once in awhile, depression flows in, bringing the colorless world, the hopelessness with it.


Some days I am ready to go, tired of the pain, the mental confusion, the swelling, the whole program, it is hard to stay positive.  Then, my cat does an adorable stretch, play with me routine and I say that dying can stand in line, at the back of the bus.  I do not want to miss watching tomorrow's sunrise, which fills the sky with shades of pink, the birds calling out to each other, waking up and hungry, the newness of another day.  I do not want to die in the spring time, it being my favorite season.  All the cold, dead of winter melts into a memory and is replaced by the freshness of new growth, a new beginning for life.  No, death can not have me in the Spring.